THE BLOG HAS MOVED AND BEEN RENAMED

The new name of my blog is inventionoffunny.wordpress.com.  Come check it out. Hopefully it will give you a few laughs for the day.

A Water Skiing Turkey

Have you ever sit in a room with a bunch of guys and thought about doing something crazy.  The conversation would discuss what you would do, and how you would do it.  But 99 out of 100 times there is no further action that takes place.  It was just a fun conversation among men, or boys depending on how there wife views the conversation.
The story I am about to tell you is true. This really did happen, and there were many witnesses. 
I believe it was thanksgiving of 2005, my Father in Law, his Brother in Law, and I were sitting in my Father in Laws living room discussing our past endeavours in the world of skiing behind a four wheeler.  this however is not something that is taboo. Nor does it fit into the "Hey Guys Watch This" category.  You know that category, it is the last words spoken by a redneck category. Snowboarding or skiing behind a four wheeler is part of the redneck Olympic's and can no longer be classified as the last act of a redneck.  Skiing behind a four wheeler was something that we had done often. 
So the discussion continued.  We were thinking of ways to better control the process of following behind the four wheeler without falling down so frequently, when my Father in Law, Captain Black Beard, came up with his best rambling to date. Black Beard proclaimed that with enough speed, he believed that it was possible to ski across his pond while being pulled by the four wheeler.  Instantly, I encourage this ideal and proclaim Black Beard a genius.  The following 30 minutes was a mixture of Black Beard and his Brother setting up the logistics of this stunt, while I threw out so much encouragement, I thought I was turning into Tony Robbins. 
The plan went like this.  Captain Black Beard was going to strap a snowboard to his feet, hold onto a ski rope that was tied to the back of a four wheeler and then when the four wheeler drove past him and started to pull he would hop onto the water and ski across.  Simple enough, right!!! 
I volunteered to drive the four wheeler so that I could see this event happen from the front roll.  Black beard was all set to go, while resting on the bank of the pond.  Black Beards brother in law his parents and family all watched as he was about to make his maddin voyage across the big pond.
With a thumbs up from Black Beard I throttled down on the four wheeler and speed past the right side of Black Beard and be side the pond.  The rope tightend and the four wheeler was stoped in its tracks for the weight of Black Beard.  Black Beard never had a chance, he went head first into the pond straight off of the bank.  At first I thought I was going to have to go in after him because with the snowboard tied to his feet he couldn't really pull himself out of the water. 
By the time I got to him he was turned faceing the bank and doing an army crawl out of the water.  Nobody even attempted to help him,  everybody was laughing to hard.  when he finally did get out of the water and get the snow board off his feet the shock form the cold water hit him and he couldn't even put two words togather.  All Black Beard kept saying was cold, cold, cold.  He scurried back up to the house and went and took a hot shower. 
When Black Beard came back downstairs he started placing blame on me.  He said that I let off of the gas and that is why he couldn't get the board on top of the water.  I told him the situation and he determined that with the right amount of speed and runway to the pond, it was still possible to do. I couldn't belive it, 20 minutes ago he was face down in the pond and the tempurature outside was in the 40's. Now he was planning another go, at the same event.  I thought he was Captain Black Beard, but apparently he is Super Dave. 
To my knowledge the Captain has never tried this stunt again, but if you hang around him long enough he will restart the discussions, as to how it can be done.  I look for one day in the future to be writing a follow up to this story.  I dont think it will change much from the original. I also think this event was worthy of a "Hey Guys Watch This".

Fruit of The Loom Ninja

As I get older in life certain things people do, strike me as weird or funny. There is one person in my life however that I find to be weird and funny and that would be my Dad. When you combine weird and funny it provides for some interesting situations.


Case in point. The time my Dad decides he was going to show my brother in law and I some karate moves. On the surface there is absolutely nothing funny about this, but when I tell you he is in nothing but a white under shirt and his fruit of the loom briefs, it becomes a little disturbing and funny.

For some reason he felt it was time to share his experiences in the world of martial arts. I have no memory of anything he told us. The only thing that I remember is that I was completely scared that one of his pieces of equipment was going to fall out while he was showing us a high kick. The good thing is that he is an old man and his high kick is more of a thigh kick. Thank God, or I might have needed therapy after this lesson.

The lesson lasted about 30 minutes. Finally after getting tired of being put in arm bars and choke locks by a half naked old man, I told him to go to bed, or put his gosh dang pants on. You shouldn’t have to tell a man to put his pants!! You defiantly shouldn’t have to tell him twice.

After explaining to the old man that I no longer wanted to see a Steven Seagal arm bar from a half naked man, he decided that my brother in law and I were not yet worthy to learn the ways of the Fruit of The Loom Ninja. He proceeded to defile the fruit of the looms, by dropping a bomb in them that Franklin D. Roosevelt would have been proud of, while walking to his bedroom.

Just another eventful day in the life of one Duard “W.”Rutledge.

Dad’s Remote Control

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. What in the world is going on I said to myself as I tried to wake up from the night's sleep. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Oh my gosh, what is going on? That is when my Dad yelled, where is my remote? Well the truth was that I had hidden the remote. I did this to help the old man out. You see every time he would start to watch TV he would use the wrong remote and cause the T.V. to stay on channel 3 and make it to where he could not figure out how to get the picture back on the T.V. So because I am a proactive person, I decided to hide it in the drawer of a cabinet that Dad has in his T.V. room. Honestly I did this for his own good.

What I didn't account for was his persistence to be a moron. That morning he had turned on the TV and when it didn't respond the way he thought it should he proceeded to walk up to the TV and start pushing buttons. All this did was make the problem a lot worse.

BANG BANG BANG BANG. What do you want? I want my gosh @#$% remote son. I know you hid it from me and I want to know where it is. I stomped to the door and slung it open. Get the @#$% out of the way old man. I walked to the cabinet and found the remote; I then proceeded to set the TV up so he could watch his shows that morning.

Then that crazy old man decided that he wasn't going to watch TV anymore and that he was going to go ahead and go to bed for the day. A rage shot through me like a burrito from taco bell, and I cussed him up one side and down the other for waking me up at 6:30 in the morning, only to go to bed not watch the TV he was so concerned with. He then proclaimed that I would not talk to my elders in this manner, and that is when I told him that if he would stop acting like a spoiled 10 year old, then I would treat him like the old man that he was. As I walked away from this situation back to my room, I offered to change his diaper if he so needed.

Don't take any of this the wrong way. My Dad and I have a great relationship. Sometimes the old man has a few issues, and this time I was there to set him straight.

The Day I Drove a Motorcycle Up a Tree

You should have seen it, it was as if Evil Kanivel had come to Georgetown and decided to do a stunt that no one would see. Seriously, I had this whole thing planned out, you'll see.
It was a Friday morning and I got the grand I deal that I would go to my best friend's house and borrow his parent's motorcycle. I thought that riding a motorcycle to school would be something different and fun. So I headed to the Marcum's. Upon arriving I went in the house and got the key to the motorcycle. I pushed the motorcycle to the front yard, because there was a truck in the way and I didn't want to start the day by scratching the paint on the truck with the handle.

I put the key in the ignition and started the bike. While sitting there letting the bike warm up, a thought went across my mind like a bolt of lightning. I could get good on this bike and become the new Super Dave. It was at that moment that I decided to try my first stunt. The first stunt I would perform will be an attempt to drive this Bike up a tree. So I amid the bike at the tree in the Marcum's front yard and twisted the throttle.

The result was amasing.  It was perfection on two wheels.  The bike went straight up the tree and then slowly backed down from the trunk of the tree.  I couldn't believe it,  had I actually pulled off my first attempted stunt?  It was great, after it was over I gathered my composure and looked around for any random fans that might have seen this marvelous feat.  But I saw no one.  The stunt had gone unnoticed.  so I thought!!!!

I continued on to school and placed this triumphant day in the back of my head for future use.  When I got back into town that afternoon I returned the bike to the Marcum's and went on about my evening.  Later that nite I decided to visit the marcum's, this is something that I did on a pretty regular basis.  Upon arriving and telling everybody hi, Becky, which is Mrs. Marcum if your nasty,  Said that all the comotion that morning had woke her up.  She then went on to say how she had seen my stunt.  Hallalujah, a star is born. NOT.
You see the truth of the matter is that the above story is a daydream I had at school as to how I might explain what happened had somebody actually seen what happened.  Well, that was shot down when Becky proceeded to tell the story of how the bike actually fell on me after driving up the tree.  I was busted!!!

So I had to come clean.  The truth was, I was trying to pull out of the yard without tearing up the grass.  So I twisted slowly on the throtle and headed towards there road.  The front tire got caught on a root from the three hundred year old tree in their front yard and caused the bike to point directly at the tree.  This all happened in a matter of 2 seconds.  Before I knew what was going on I already drove up the tree and fallin to the ground with a motorcycle ontop of me. I jumped up real quick so that no one would see what happened.  At the time I believed I had avoided any embarresment, but I was wrong.  Apperantly, when I entered the house, it woke Becky up and she came to the living room to see what was going on.  By that time I was headed up the tree and she saw the whole thing happen.

The only advice I have for people is to always start your motorcycle on the pavement and stay away from trees.

The Fat Lady has Screamed

Actually, the fat lady screamed at me. It was one of those mornings when nothing seemed to be going right. I was running late for school and it was my day to drive.
Billy showed up on time to my Dad's house, but I was not even awake. When I lived with my Dad I had a door to my room from the outside of the house. Billy, being the impatient person he was walked around the house and banged on my door. I jumped out of bed and let him in the door. While he was lecturing me on the fact that I was making him late to school and affecting his overall well being in life, I was able to tune him out and get ready in a matter of five minutes. We ran to the car and headed down the road to school.
The ride to school consisted of the usual. The main topic was trying to figure out which class we were going to skip that day so we could leave early and go home. Then I would proceed to make fun of him for wanting to get an education and generally just the way he looks. You see, Billy is an odd looking individual. He stands about 6'4" and weighs 60 pounds. His walk has the gate of a giraffe. In fact now that I think about it he kind of looked like a giraffe.
So there I am driving down Nicholasville road with Geoffrey the giraffe headed for school. Traffic was pretty heavy with the new construction on the UK hospital, and my attention span was not up to snuff so early in the morning. While driving through the intersection of Nicholasville and red mile road, I noticed a city bus with a huge Long John Silver's advertisement on it. I am aware that that is not that big of a deal in today's time, but 10 years ago that was a new thing. For some reason I was drawn to the picture of the fillet of fish in a basket of crumbs. It was speaking to me in a way that I cannot explain, but we have all been there. That lost state of mind. All I could think about was taking a big bite of that bus. Then it happened.
The bus started to pull out in front of me. Being young and having the reaction time of a cat, I swerved out of the way and avoided the bus. The problem was that I was so concerned with the bus that I forgot to pay attention to what was going on in front of me. The light ahead was red. That's not the worst part. People had already started crossing the road. By the time I realized what was going on I had already run the red light. I slammed on my brakes and came to a screeching halt. Men and women where diving everywhere. Three of them hit the deck. But there was one lady that was so scared all she could do was freeze. She had the look of death. I would bet my lunch money that lady pissed her panty hose.
The next paragraph is not for children
Then there was the woman that decided she was going to teach me a lesson in driving. As I came to a complete stop, this rotund woman decided to lean down on the hood of my car, point to the light hanging above and tell me that the light was red. Remember, when I tell you the next part that I was young. The lady stared at me as if I was going to respond to her proclamation. Five or six seconds passed and she was still leaning on my car. Maybe she was tired from carrying the extra 400lbs and needed a place to rest her upper body, this of which I am not sure. But one thing was for sure, she had made her point and it was time for her to go. I then rolled down the window; once again she tells me the light is red. My response was as follows, I know its red, now get the $%&# off my car. She pushed off the hood of my car with the force of a buffalo and got out of the way. I then continued towards my destination of a higher education.
After leaving the incident I could tell Geoffrey was a little shaken up. I gave him a long stare with no response and said, what? After laughing our butts off, he said, well, that is definitely the Rutledge that I know.
This is a story that my sister has been longing for.
I for one do not find it that funny, but she believes it is the best I have in my arsenal. So I guess it is all downhill from here.

I Remember You

This is a song by Jamie Johnson

I always thought that one of the most important conversations

you could ever have in your life, is the first time you talk to God.
What would you say?
I remember you, In the pages of a book
A lady read me once, In Sunday school
I remember you, I studied every word
And I hid it in my heart, Just like you told me to
And a stone was rolled away, And everybody prayed,
The day the angels sang, I remember you
And while your standing there on those trembling knees,
what do you hope God says back to you
I remember you, I was there when you were born
I held your mamma's hand, And your daddy's too
I remember you, I recall the very day
You turned against the Devil, And you cried out my name
And a stone was rolled away, And everybody prayed,
The day the angels sang, I remember you

I am not one to get on here and talk religion, but it really is along with my family the biggest part of my life.  If you get a chance look this song up and take a listen.  Hopefully it will speak to you, like it has me.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego!!!!

Yesterday my sister and I decided to take a trip to Lagrange Kentucky to see our cousin who has been in jail for 10 years.  This is a trip her and I have made twice before to this same location, but for some reason this time was different.  The trip started out normal, you just head out as if you where driving to Louisville.  But something happened on the Shelbyville exit that I can not explain.  For the first time in my life I became confused as to where the exit was to head toward Lagrange.  Like I said I have been there twice before.  My sister, being the diligent person that she is printed off directions from the Internet. Me, being the Man that I am have no need for paper directions.  I will travel by sunlight, stars, or GPS.  That is a mans way to travel.  So driving down I 64 I proceed to take every exit between Shelbyville and Louisville trying to find the back roads to the prison, with zero success.  You see my sisters papers said to travel the interstate to the destination, but that was just not acceptable, because I preferred the other route.  So after I tried every exit possible, I decided to pull over and turn on the GPS.  This however would lead to more disaster because the GPS talks to you with a woman's voice.  Over the fine years of my marriage I have trained myself to tune out the rhythms of a woman's voice.  Yesterday this was a problem.  I proceed to miss an exit that I was told to take, and then when I did get turned around I proceeded the wrong way down the interstate and had to commit an illegal u-turn.  This however was not my last blunder of the trip.  Upon arriving at the prison,  I was admiring the fact that this building is the tallest building outside of Louisville.  I could completely see it nestled in the middle of a major city.  It does not look like a prison. Upon my admiration, I miss the entrance and drive on past only to have to find a place to turn around down the road a piece.  Just a horrible driving experiance.
The return trip however was all man.  No directions needed, back roads were used, and good travel time was made.
I do have one last note however.  GPS over your phone will shut down when you get a call or a text message.  I got one from my wife on the way to Lagrange and the GPS shut off..   Truly just like a woman,  you get ONE text message from another girl,  and the one you are with, then gives you the third degree....

Golfing The Frozen Tundra

Last Sunday I ventured out onto the golf course with friends and coworkers.  Apperantly this is an annual tradition for some of the people that I work with.  At the first day or so of the new year they play golf.  They call it getting all of the bad swings for the year out of the way,  I now call it crazy!  The day started with a trip to church and ended with two frozen butt cheeks.  I can not remember the last time I had to end the day by standing infront of the fireplace to warm my body..  I shivered all night until I fell asleep in the bed.  The next morning I woke up with a cold. 
So golfing on new years day is the first and last time I do that.