Dad’s Remote Control

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. What in the world is going on I said to myself as I tried to wake up from the night's sleep. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Oh my gosh, what is going on? That is when my Dad yelled, where is my remote? Well the truth was that I had hidden the remote. I did this to help the old man out. You see every time he would start to watch TV he would use the wrong remote and cause the T.V. to stay on channel 3 and make it to where he could not figure out how to get the picture back on the T.V. So because I am a proactive person, I decided to hide it in the drawer of a cabinet that Dad has in his T.V. room. Honestly I did this for his own good.

What I didn't account for was his persistence to be a moron. That morning he had turned on the TV and when it didn't respond the way he thought it should he proceeded to walk up to the TV and start pushing buttons. All this did was make the problem a lot worse.

BANG BANG BANG BANG. What do you want? I want my gosh @#$% remote son. I know you hid it from me and I want to know where it is. I stomped to the door and slung it open. Get the @#$% out of the way old man. I walked to the cabinet and found the remote; I then proceeded to set the TV up so he could watch his shows that morning.

Then that crazy old man decided that he wasn't going to watch TV anymore and that he was going to go ahead and go to bed for the day. A rage shot through me like a burrito from taco bell, and I cussed him up one side and down the other for waking me up at 6:30 in the morning, only to go to bed not watch the TV he was so concerned with. He then proclaimed that I would not talk to my elders in this manner, and that is when I told him that if he would stop acting like a spoiled 10 year old, then I would treat him like the old man that he was. As I walked away from this situation back to my room, I offered to change his diaper if he so needed.

Don't take any of this the wrong way. My Dad and I have a great relationship. Sometimes the old man has a few issues, and this time I was there to set him straight.

The Day I Drove a Motorcycle Up a Tree

You should have seen it, it was as if Evil Kanivel had come to Georgetown and decided to do a stunt that no one would see. Seriously, I had this whole thing planned out, you'll see.
It was a Friday morning and I got the grand I deal that I would go to my best friend's house and borrow his parent's motorcycle. I thought that riding a motorcycle to school would be something different and fun. So I headed to the Marcum's. Upon arriving I went in the house and got the key to the motorcycle. I pushed the motorcycle to the front yard, because there was a truck in the way and I didn't want to start the day by scratching the paint on the truck with the handle.

I put the key in the ignition and started the bike. While sitting there letting the bike warm up, a thought went across my mind like a bolt of lightning. I could get good on this bike and become the new Super Dave. It was at that moment that I decided to try my first stunt. The first stunt I would perform will be an attempt to drive this Bike up a tree. So I amid the bike at the tree in the Marcum's front yard and twisted the throttle.

The result was amasing.  It was perfection on two wheels.  The bike went straight up the tree and then slowly backed down from the trunk of the tree.  I couldn't believe it,  had I actually pulled off my first attempted stunt?  It was great, after it was over I gathered my composure and looked around for any random fans that might have seen this marvelous feat.  But I saw no one.  The stunt had gone unnoticed.  so I thought!!!!

I continued on to school and placed this triumphant day in the back of my head for future use.  When I got back into town that afternoon I returned the bike to the Marcum's and went on about my evening.  Later that nite I decided to visit the marcum's, this is something that I did on a pretty regular basis.  Upon arriving and telling everybody hi, Becky, which is Mrs. Marcum if your nasty,  Said that all the comotion that morning had woke her up.  She then went on to say how she had seen my stunt.  Hallalujah, a star is born. NOT.
You see the truth of the matter is that the above story is a daydream I had at school as to how I might explain what happened had somebody actually seen what happened.  Well, that was shot down when Becky proceeded to tell the story of how the bike actually fell on me after driving up the tree.  I was busted!!!

So I had to come clean.  The truth was, I was trying to pull out of the yard without tearing up the grass.  So I twisted slowly on the throtle and headed towards there road.  The front tire got caught on a root from the three hundred year old tree in their front yard and caused the bike to point directly at the tree.  This all happened in a matter of 2 seconds.  Before I knew what was going on I already drove up the tree and fallin to the ground with a motorcycle ontop of me. I jumped up real quick so that no one would see what happened.  At the time I believed I had avoided any embarresment, but I was wrong.  Apperantly, when I entered the house, it woke Becky up and she came to the living room to see what was going on.  By that time I was headed up the tree and she saw the whole thing happen.

The only advice I have for people is to always start your motorcycle on the pavement and stay away from trees.

The Fat Lady has Screamed

Actually, the fat lady screamed at me. It was one of those mornings when nothing seemed to be going right. I was running late for school and it was my day to drive.
Billy showed up on time to my Dad's house, but I was not even awake. When I lived with my Dad I had a door to my room from the outside of the house. Billy, being the impatient person he was walked around the house and banged on my door. I jumped out of bed and let him in the door. While he was lecturing me on the fact that I was making him late to school and affecting his overall well being in life, I was able to tune him out and get ready in a matter of five minutes. We ran to the car and headed down the road to school.
The ride to school consisted of the usual. The main topic was trying to figure out which class we were going to skip that day so we could leave early and go home. Then I would proceed to make fun of him for wanting to get an education and generally just the way he looks. You see, Billy is an odd looking individual. He stands about 6'4" and weighs 60 pounds. His walk has the gate of a giraffe. In fact now that I think about it he kind of looked like a giraffe.
So there I am driving down Nicholasville road with Geoffrey the giraffe headed for school. Traffic was pretty heavy with the new construction on the UK hospital, and my attention span was not up to snuff so early in the morning. While driving through the intersection of Nicholasville and red mile road, I noticed a city bus with a huge Long John Silver's advertisement on it. I am aware that that is not that big of a deal in today's time, but 10 years ago that was a new thing. For some reason I was drawn to the picture of the fillet of fish in a basket of crumbs. It was speaking to me in a way that I cannot explain, but we have all been there. That lost state of mind. All I could think about was taking a big bite of that bus. Then it happened.
The bus started to pull out in front of me. Being young and having the reaction time of a cat, I swerved out of the way and avoided the bus. The problem was that I was so concerned with the bus that I forgot to pay attention to what was going on in front of me. The light ahead was red. That's not the worst part. People had already started crossing the road. By the time I realized what was going on I had already run the red light. I slammed on my brakes and came to a screeching halt. Men and women where diving everywhere. Three of them hit the deck. But there was one lady that was so scared all she could do was freeze. She had the look of death. I would bet my lunch money that lady pissed her panty hose.
The next paragraph is not for children
Then there was the woman that decided she was going to teach me a lesson in driving. As I came to a complete stop, this rotund woman decided to lean down on the hood of my car, point to the light hanging above and tell me that the light was red. Remember, when I tell you the next part that I was young. The lady stared at me as if I was going to respond to her proclamation. Five or six seconds passed and she was still leaning on my car. Maybe she was tired from carrying the extra 400lbs and needed a place to rest her upper body, this of which I am not sure. But one thing was for sure, she had made her point and it was time for her to go. I then rolled down the window; once again she tells me the light is red. My response was as follows, I know its red, now get the $%&# off my car. She pushed off the hood of my car with the force of a buffalo and got out of the way. I then continued towards my destination of a higher education.
After leaving the incident I could tell Geoffrey was a little shaken up. I gave him a long stare with no response and said, what? After laughing our butts off, he said, well, that is definitely the Rutledge that I know.
This is a story that my sister has been longing for.
I for one do not find it that funny, but she believes it is the best I have in my arsenal. So I guess it is all downhill from here.