The first time I went skiing became an adventure that I will never forget.
It all started over a game of pool, which ended in a dare, which was accepted while I was under the influence. I thought to myself, how hard can it be, I knew how to water ski. So the dare was accepted. So my friend at the time was a guy named Mason. He was the boy friend of my wife's first cousin. This guy Looks just like Captain Ron. You know the movie, the one where Kurt Russell leads Martin Shorts family across the Caribbean. Well, Mason was pretty much Captain Ron made over. However I am not sure what Mason's last name is, or that he even has one. That puts him in the same class as Madonna and Rihanna, I think. Anyway, the trip starts out in Georgetown on a Saturday morning after playing a church basketball game. We left for Prefect North Ski Resort at about 9:30 in the morning and got there at about 10:45 am. While driving up, Mason was trying to explain the intricacies of skiing to me, because like I said, I had never been skiing before. Well let's just say that the Captain is full of advice, but it is not always good advice.
When we arrive at the Mecca of fake snow you quickly realize that this is a big deal to a lot of people. There are people everywhere, from the age of 2 to 75. Most people are cordial, but there are the select few that completely look the part of a snow bunny or whatever you would call a guy that ski's, that seem to have an attitude towards the Captain and I. They kind of give you that look, like what backwoods place are you from. Well the answer is Georgetown, but you can lose the attitude buddy. I didn't really say that, but that is what I was thinking. Looking back I can kind of see what would make them think that I didn't belong on their slope. The Captain and I had decided it would be best to wear black waterproof bib overalls and a normal winter jacket. The Problem came when the overalls that I borrowed were a tad small and the Gray sweatpants that I was wearing underneath for warmth were hanging out of the bottom of my pants legs. So the outfit looked something like black bib overalls, a hunter green winter jacket and a blue UK sock hat, with gray sweatpants coming out the bottom of the pants. Not the best fashion day of my life. One thing is for sure though, I was warm.
So the Captain and I walk into the lodge and search for the place to rent a set of ski's and pay for a day lift ticket. After doing this we descended to the basement of the lodge to collect our boots and ski's. When you get to the basement they have you fill out a form that essentially determines your skill level, which intern determines how your ski's set up so that they fall off when you fall down or they stay on your foot when you fall down. The better skier that you are, the longer the ski will stay on your foot. The Captain and I had our ski's set to fall off at the shear thought of falling down. This was kind of a surprise from the captain, given the fact that he had made me fully aware of how good a skier that he was on the ride up. Now to the slopes.
The first place we went was the bunny slope. The bunny slope is about as steep as an unlevel floor in the average house. So really it is quite level with a slight grade. There is absolutely no chance of picking up any kind of speed or getting out of control on this slope. It is for getting comfortable on your skis. While going down the bunny slope, I ask Captain Ron, so how do you stop on the skis? He responds by telling me that all you have to do is point your skis in a V. So heeding the advice of the captain, I used the V technique with outstanding results. I could stop whenever I wanted, with zero struggles. When the Captain saw this he said, it is time, time for what I said. It is time to go up the ski lift and start skiing for real. It did not matter how much I protested, the captain was determined to get me on top of the Mountain, and apparently all it takes is one trip down the bunny slope and you are ready to ski in the Olympics. Ok so there aren't really any mountains in Indiana, but bear with me here, because this is a really tall hill I am about to ascend. So being the 22 year old that I was and having the confidence of a Greek god, I accept the challenge of the Mountain. Kind of like Joe versus the volcano, with a little less lava and a lot more snow.
There I was, waiting in line to get on a ski lift that would take me to the top of this mountain. What was I thinking, had I gone completely mad or was I really a natural like the Captain told me that I was. We were all about to find out. Getting on the ski lift is the easy part. It is the getting off the ski lift that is the hard part. They actually expect you to hop off the lift and ski away before the lift rolls around and smacks you in the butt. It is a timing nightmare. One tip if you ever find yourself in this situation, always coordinate the hop with a countdown for everybody that is on the lift. Otherwise it will end in a pile of limbs and skis and the worst part is when they shut down the lift so that you can get your non skiing butt out of the way. It is a really embarrassing situation when it happens, so the tip is to always use a countdown when hopping off a ski lift. This fortunately did not happen to me on my first skiing trip, but I have seen the carnage. My first experience was that when I hopped off the lift that I just rode the momentum out until I could come to a stop. When I finally did stop the captain was right beside me and said we are going to go down the one to the right because it is for beginners and should be a pretty slow ski to get started with. I said, that sounds like my kind of skiing. Well there I was peering over the edge of this hill that seemed to go pretty straight down for the first 20 feet or so, and just when I was about to ask the Captain how I should approach such a step grade, I feel a nice hard pat on my back that causes my skis to point down the hill, and off I go.
When things like this happen to me, time seems to slow down and many thoughts cross your mind that normally would not cross your mind. At this moment all I can see are the trees that line both sides of the trail and the people that are trying to enjoy their skiing. The trail appears to be about 80 feet wide or so, which I can tell you is not nearly wide enough for a beginner skier. I was correct about one thing before I decided to ski. Having already water skied defiantly helped when it came to snow skiing. Every motion that you use in snow skiing is the same as in water skiing, so that was very beneficial on learning to ski. But in my case, on this day it came in handy while trying to dodge people and trees. Everywhere I turned there was either a person or a tree that was waiting for me to run over like an out of control car. Luckily I didn't hit anything or fall down for that matter. Most of the other Skiers were able to get out of the way while I continuously yelled at the top of my lungs, (EXCUSE ME, COMING THROUGH, GET OUT OF THE WAY, SORRRRRRRY). After the first 300 to 400 feet of the trail, things kind of flattened out and I was able to use the V to slow down enough to not kill anybody. On this first journey down the mountain the Captain is constantly yelling at me to V and to try to stop, well there was a problem with that. The V was not stopping me; it was only slowing me down enough that I wasn't a danger to anybody, because I could control where I was going. While yelling these commands to me the great Captain is traveling back and forth down the slope, looking like a pro I might add. The Captain was talking about a slide stop like the hockey players do all the time or like the stops you see on TV during the Olympics. So the Captain decided to give me an example of what he was talking about and when he did his skis got caught on a frozen icy area of the snow and the Captain was immediately airborne with skis and poles going in all directions. I have never seen such a graceful, unintentional back flip in all of my days. If you could imagine someone doing this feat on purpose, I promise it would not look as good as the Captains did. The only thing I could do was to watch in amazement and wave as I went by, because at this point during the day I still don't know how to come to a complete stop on the skis.
Upon arriving at the ski lift I inform the captain that if that is the easiest trail that you can go down, then maybe we should spend more time on that trail so I can get a little extra practice in before we tackle anything that would require more skill. The Captain agreed, so we spent the next 4 or 5 trips going down the same slope. Well everything was just peaches until the captain got bored and decided that he would tell me that, you are ready, I think you have a good hang of it. To which I respond by saying, I think your right man. I was getting pretty good at the whole control thing and hadn't had to yell at any of the other skiers for at least 2 trips down the slopes. So off we go up the lift and this time instead of going to the right when you get off the lift, we went to the left. Now, the next bit of this story maybe the scariest moment of my life. This new slope was literally straight down, in fact it is the steepest hill at perfect north. It is only this steep for 50 yards or so, but it is the steepest. While standing at the top of this death trap the captain tells me, you know, all ya have to do is make a V and you can stop whenever you want. I said, Captain I have been Ving all day long and I haven't been able to stop yet. Captain says, you're not pointing your skies in far enough, just put them a little closer together and you can stop. With this bit of advice the captain says, let's go and he skis away. So after five seconds of thinking I decide there is no time like the present and down the hill I went.
I immediately decided that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was not aware that 60 mph was attainable at a small ski slope in Indiana. But contrary to popular belief, It can happen. Fear and tips from the Captain are all that is running through my mind. I can hear the Captain saying, just V, you have to make a closer V. All of these tactics were employed, but nothing was slowing this big boy from plummeting to certain death. This trail that I am on is a dogleg to the left after you get to the bottom of the steep slope. Once you make this left turn there is another slope that ties into this, kind of like merging lanes on a highway. This is not good for me. Even on the highway there are signs telling you to slow down to 25 mph when you merge off an exit ramp, but not on this slope. Luckily I got the practice on the easy slope and learned how to control the skies really good because when you take a 90 degree turn at 60mph, you need to be able to stay in control. While taking this turn I have to weave in and out of people coming from the slope I am on and the slope that is merging with his slope. Needless to say, the yelling has begun again. WATCHOUT, COMINGTHROUGH, EXCUSE ME, LOOKOUT. None of this seemed to make anybody move out of the way, but it did get some really scared looks out of people. I think that I was going so fast that they didn't really have time to react to my speed. At the end of the curve of death, there is a row of trees. Really it is more like a forest, but when it is coming at you at 60mph, your only focus is that first roll of trees. Well I never hit the trees but I did come close enough for a thin limb to smack me across the arm as I was leaning for all I had, to stay away from that last moment in my life. Heading down the rest of the slope there're is a woman and man going back and forth down the trail. I know that they must be a couple; because they are going down the hill in a fashion that you would think they are Olympic synchronized skiers. They are so good that they are carrying on a conversation every time that they cross each other's path. From a distance I am watching this unfold and trying to decide the best way to avoid an unavoidable collision. When I finally did catch up with these two love birds, they decide to slide stop right in the middle of the trail, and I have no option but to keep a straight line down the hill. The lady was faced left and the man was faced right. At the exact time they came to a stop, I ran over the front of both of their skis. This knocked them both down, although I don't believe that I touched either of them. When I finally came to a stop at the bottom of the trail, I turned to look back at the couple I had just passed and low and behold she was already in my face and telling me that I was going to kill somebody skiing like that. I then responded by saying, if you are such a good skier that you can fall down and catch up with me before I come to a complete stop, then maybe you should be the one watching out for people like me.
The next stop was another trip up the ski lift, but this time the Captain and I rode the ski lift with a ski patrolman. Upon riding the lift it came to a sudden stop, probably because somebody fell down trying to get off of the lift at the top of the slope. With this delay in time the Captain and I had a chance to talk with the patrolman, many questions were asked, and answered. The main question asked was, how do you stop using the elusive V? After explaining my situation and recent experience the patrolman taught me how to stop using the V method, I Think he did this out of fear I was going to hurt somebody other than myself. So the rest of the day stared going pretty good. It didn't matter what slope I went down the rest of the day, the V worked and made skiing very enjoyable. As the day progressed, the more comfortable I got on the skies. I started doing things that I would not think possible the first time you go skiing, I even learned how to slid stop. The Captain was so proud of me that he bought me a coke back at the lodge.
The day was not over yet however. With confidence comes cockiness. I hate to say it, but I did start getting a little cocky on the skis. So cocky in fact, that towards the end of the day, I was skiing down to the ski lift to make another journey to the top, when I put the fear of God, in four kids that look like they belong in the superbad movie. I swear one looked like McLovin. When approaching the ski lift you see four different lanes that then funnel into one line that is formed to get on the lift. The first line is a single person line, the second is for two, the third is for groups of three, and the forth obviously is for four people groups. Each Line is divided by orange safety posts that are tied together by caution tape. Well the Captain and I discovered early on that it is much faster to go down the single person line to get on the lift, because there are not too many solo skiers. While approaching the single skier line I started to realize that I might be traveling just a little too fast, but without thinking I turned into the single person line. Remember those cones I was telling you about, well they get in the way of the V that I use to stop. Every time I tried to V the cones would smack my skies back into a straight line. At this point I start to realize that this could end pretty badly. Once again time comes to almost a complete stand still. In the back of the line that gets on the lift I see a woman with the look of death on her face that starts screaming a little louder every foot closer I get to the four kids that are trying to get on the lift. Men and Women behind the four kids are all starting to brace for the collision that is about to happen. The four kids all have the look of somebody that has just seen their life pass before their eyes and I have only made it half way there. Every time I tried to stop though, I just kept hitting those dang cones. I think that I may have actually picked up speed with every cone that my skies hit. Finally I was upon these Kids, and thank the lord that I went straight over the front of their skies; I never hit them or anybody else in the process. What I did end up hitting was a wooden fence post that was randomly placed right beside the ski lift. After hitting the post, I turned around and got in the front of the line and the Captain followed suit as if I had planned the whole thing. I then turned to the four kids behind me and told them, that, fella's, is how you cut line. The young high school kid running the lift never missed a beat when he looked at the Captain and me and said, NEXT.
The rest of my first skiing trip went off without a hitch. The Captain and I skied until about 10 o'clock that night, and I woke up the next morning sorer then I have ever been in my entire life. I was not aware I had so many muscles that are not used on a daily basis. So, the moral of this story is that you should never take advice from a guy that looks like Captain Ron and never accept a dare while under the influence.
