THE BLOG HAS MOVED AND BEEN RENAMED

The new name of my blog is inventionoffunny.wordpress.com.  Come check it out. Hopefully it will give you a few laughs for the day.

A Water Skiing Turkey

Have you ever sit in a room with a bunch of guys and thought about doing something crazy.  The conversation would discuss what you would do, and how you would do it.  But 99 out of 100 times there is no further action that takes place.  It was just a fun conversation among men, or boys depending on how there wife views the conversation.
The story I am about to tell you is true. This really did happen, and there were many witnesses. 
I believe it was thanksgiving of 2005, my Father in Law, his Brother in Law, and I were sitting in my Father in Laws living room discussing our past endeavours in the world of skiing behind a four wheeler.  this however is not something that is taboo. Nor does it fit into the "Hey Guys Watch This" category.  You know that category, it is the last words spoken by a redneck category. Snowboarding or skiing behind a four wheeler is part of the redneck Olympic's and can no longer be classified as the last act of a redneck.  Skiing behind a four wheeler was something that we had done often. 
So the discussion continued.  We were thinking of ways to better control the process of following behind the four wheeler without falling down so frequently, when my Father in Law, Captain Black Beard, came up with his best rambling to date. Black Beard proclaimed that with enough speed, he believed that it was possible to ski across his pond while being pulled by the four wheeler.  Instantly, I encourage this ideal and proclaim Black Beard a genius.  The following 30 minutes was a mixture of Black Beard and his Brother setting up the logistics of this stunt, while I threw out so much encouragement, I thought I was turning into Tony Robbins. 
The plan went like this.  Captain Black Beard was going to strap a snowboard to his feet, hold onto a ski rope that was tied to the back of a four wheeler and then when the four wheeler drove past him and started to pull he would hop onto the water and ski across.  Simple enough, right!!! 
I volunteered to drive the four wheeler so that I could see this event happen from the front roll.  Black beard was all set to go, while resting on the bank of the pond.  Black Beards brother in law his parents and family all watched as he was about to make his maddin voyage across the big pond.
With a thumbs up from Black Beard I throttled down on the four wheeler and speed past the right side of Black Beard and be side the pond.  The rope tightend and the four wheeler was stoped in its tracks for the weight of Black Beard.  Black Beard never had a chance, he went head first into the pond straight off of the bank.  At first I thought I was going to have to go in after him because with the snowboard tied to his feet he couldn't really pull himself out of the water. 
By the time I got to him he was turned faceing the bank and doing an army crawl out of the water.  Nobody even attempted to help him,  everybody was laughing to hard.  when he finally did get out of the water and get the snow board off his feet the shock form the cold water hit him and he couldn't even put two words togather.  All Black Beard kept saying was cold, cold, cold.  He scurried back up to the house and went and took a hot shower. 
When Black Beard came back downstairs he started placing blame on me.  He said that I let off of the gas and that is why he couldn't get the board on top of the water.  I told him the situation and he determined that with the right amount of speed and runway to the pond, it was still possible to do. I couldn't belive it, 20 minutes ago he was face down in the pond and the tempurature outside was in the 40's. Now he was planning another go, at the same event.  I thought he was Captain Black Beard, but apparently he is Super Dave. 
To my knowledge the Captain has never tried this stunt again, but if you hang around him long enough he will restart the discussions, as to how it can be done.  I look for one day in the future to be writing a follow up to this story.  I dont think it will change much from the original. I also think this event was worthy of a "Hey Guys Watch This".

Fruit of The Loom Ninja

As I get older in life certain things people do, strike me as weird or funny. There is one person in my life however that I find to be weird and funny and that would be my Dad. When you combine weird and funny it provides for some interesting situations.


Case in point. The time my Dad decides he was going to show my brother in law and I some karate moves. On the surface there is absolutely nothing funny about this, but when I tell you he is in nothing but a white under shirt and his fruit of the loom briefs, it becomes a little disturbing and funny.

For some reason he felt it was time to share his experiences in the world of martial arts. I have no memory of anything he told us. The only thing that I remember is that I was completely scared that one of his pieces of equipment was going to fall out while he was showing us a high kick. The good thing is that he is an old man and his high kick is more of a thigh kick. Thank God, or I might have needed therapy after this lesson.

The lesson lasted about 30 minutes. Finally after getting tired of being put in arm bars and choke locks by a half naked old man, I told him to go to bed, or put his gosh dang pants on. You shouldn’t have to tell a man to put his pants!! You defiantly shouldn’t have to tell him twice.

After explaining to the old man that I no longer wanted to see a Steven Seagal arm bar from a half naked man, he decided that my brother in law and I were not yet worthy to learn the ways of the Fruit of The Loom Ninja. He proceeded to defile the fruit of the looms, by dropping a bomb in them that Franklin D. Roosevelt would have been proud of, while walking to his bedroom.

Just another eventful day in the life of one Duard “W.”Rutledge.

Dad’s Remote Control

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. What in the world is going on I said to myself as I tried to wake up from the night's sleep. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Oh my gosh, what is going on? That is when my Dad yelled, where is my remote? Well the truth was that I had hidden the remote. I did this to help the old man out. You see every time he would start to watch TV he would use the wrong remote and cause the T.V. to stay on channel 3 and make it to where he could not figure out how to get the picture back on the T.V. So because I am a proactive person, I decided to hide it in the drawer of a cabinet that Dad has in his T.V. room. Honestly I did this for his own good.

What I didn't account for was his persistence to be a moron. That morning he had turned on the TV and when it didn't respond the way he thought it should he proceeded to walk up to the TV and start pushing buttons. All this did was make the problem a lot worse.

BANG BANG BANG BANG. What do you want? I want my gosh @#$% remote son. I know you hid it from me and I want to know where it is. I stomped to the door and slung it open. Get the @#$% out of the way old man. I walked to the cabinet and found the remote; I then proceeded to set the TV up so he could watch his shows that morning.

Then that crazy old man decided that he wasn't going to watch TV anymore and that he was going to go ahead and go to bed for the day. A rage shot through me like a burrito from taco bell, and I cussed him up one side and down the other for waking me up at 6:30 in the morning, only to go to bed not watch the TV he was so concerned with. He then proclaimed that I would not talk to my elders in this manner, and that is when I told him that if he would stop acting like a spoiled 10 year old, then I would treat him like the old man that he was. As I walked away from this situation back to my room, I offered to change his diaper if he so needed.

Don't take any of this the wrong way. My Dad and I have a great relationship. Sometimes the old man has a few issues, and this time I was there to set him straight.

The Day I Drove a Motorcycle Up a Tree

You should have seen it, it was as if Evil Kanivel had come to Georgetown and decided to do a stunt that no one would see. Seriously, I had this whole thing planned out, you'll see.
It was a Friday morning and I got the grand I deal that I would go to my best friend's house and borrow his parent's motorcycle. I thought that riding a motorcycle to school would be something different and fun. So I headed to the Marcum's. Upon arriving I went in the house and got the key to the motorcycle. I pushed the motorcycle to the front yard, because there was a truck in the way and I didn't want to start the day by scratching the paint on the truck with the handle.

I put the key in the ignition and started the bike. While sitting there letting the bike warm up, a thought went across my mind like a bolt of lightning. I could get good on this bike and become the new Super Dave. It was at that moment that I decided to try my first stunt. The first stunt I would perform will be an attempt to drive this Bike up a tree. So I amid the bike at the tree in the Marcum's front yard and twisted the throttle.

The result was amasing.  It was perfection on two wheels.  The bike went straight up the tree and then slowly backed down from the trunk of the tree.  I couldn't believe it,  had I actually pulled off my first attempted stunt?  It was great, after it was over I gathered my composure and looked around for any random fans that might have seen this marvelous feat.  But I saw no one.  The stunt had gone unnoticed.  so I thought!!!!

I continued on to school and placed this triumphant day in the back of my head for future use.  When I got back into town that afternoon I returned the bike to the Marcum's and went on about my evening.  Later that nite I decided to visit the marcum's, this is something that I did on a pretty regular basis.  Upon arriving and telling everybody hi, Becky, which is Mrs. Marcum if your nasty,  Said that all the comotion that morning had woke her up.  She then went on to say how she had seen my stunt.  Hallalujah, a star is born. NOT.
You see the truth of the matter is that the above story is a daydream I had at school as to how I might explain what happened had somebody actually seen what happened.  Well, that was shot down when Becky proceeded to tell the story of how the bike actually fell on me after driving up the tree.  I was busted!!!

So I had to come clean.  The truth was, I was trying to pull out of the yard without tearing up the grass.  So I twisted slowly on the throtle and headed towards there road.  The front tire got caught on a root from the three hundred year old tree in their front yard and caused the bike to point directly at the tree.  This all happened in a matter of 2 seconds.  Before I knew what was going on I already drove up the tree and fallin to the ground with a motorcycle ontop of me. I jumped up real quick so that no one would see what happened.  At the time I believed I had avoided any embarresment, but I was wrong.  Apperantly, when I entered the house, it woke Becky up and she came to the living room to see what was going on.  By that time I was headed up the tree and she saw the whole thing happen.

The only advice I have for people is to always start your motorcycle on the pavement and stay away from trees.

The Fat Lady has Screamed

Actually, the fat lady screamed at me. It was one of those mornings when nothing seemed to be going right. I was running late for school and it was my day to drive.
Billy showed up on time to my Dad's house, but I was not even awake. When I lived with my Dad I had a door to my room from the outside of the house. Billy, being the impatient person he was walked around the house and banged on my door. I jumped out of bed and let him in the door. While he was lecturing me on the fact that I was making him late to school and affecting his overall well being in life, I was able to tune him out and get ready in a matter of five minutes. We ran to the car and headed down the road to school.
The ride to school consisted of the usual. The main topic was trying to figure out which class we were going to skip that day so we could leave early and go home. Then I would proceed to make fun of him for wanting to get an education and generally just the way he looks. You see, Billy is an odd looking individual. He stands about 6'4" and weighs 60 pounds. His walk has the gate of a giraffe. In fact now that I think about it he kind of looked like a giraffe.
So there I am driving down Nicholasville road with Geoffrey the giraffe headed for school. Traffic was pretty heavy with the new construction on the UK hospital, and my attention span was not up to snuff so early in the morning. While driving through the intersection of Nicholasville and red mile road, I noticed a city bus with a huge Long John Silver's advertisement on it. I am aware that that is not that big of a deal in today's time, but 10 years ago that was a new thing. For some reason I was drawn to the picture of the fillet of fish in a basket of crumbs. It was speaking to me in a way that I cannot explain, but we have all been there. That lost state of mind. All I could think about was taking a big bite of that bus. Then it happened.
The bus started to pull out in front of me. Being young and having the reaction time of a cat, I swerved out of the way and avoided the bus. The problem was that I was so concerned with the bus that I forgot to pay attention to what was going on in front of me. The light ahead was red. That's not the worst part. People had already started crossing the road. By the time I realized what was going on I had already run the red light. I slammed on my brakes and came to a screeching halt. Men and women where diving everywhere. Three of them hit the deck. But there was one lady that was so scared all she could do was freeze. She had the look of death. I would bet my lunch money that lady pissed her panty hose.
The next paragraph is not for children
Then there was the woman that decided she was going to teach me a lesson in driving. As I came to a complete stop, this rotund woman decided to lean down on the hood of my car, point to the light hanging above and tell me that the light was red. Remember, when I tell you the next part that I was young. The lady stared at me as if I was going to respond to her proclamation. Five or six seconds passed and she was still leaning on my car. Maybe she was tired from carrying the extra 400lbs and needed a place to rest her upper body, this of which I am not sure. But one thing was for sure, she had made her point and it was time for her to go. I then rolled down the window; once again she tells me the light is red. My response was as follows, I know its red, now get the $%&# off my car. She pushed off the hood of my car with the force of a buffalo and got out of the way. I then continued towards my destination of a higher education.
After leaving the incident I could tell Geoffrey was a little shaken up. I gave him a long stare with no response and said, what? After laughing our butts off, he said, well, that is definitely the Rutledge that I know.
This is a story that my sister has been longing for.
I for one do not find it that funny, but she believes it is the best I have in my arsenal. So I guess it is all downhill from here.

I Remember You

This is a song by Jamie Johnson

I always thought that one of the most important conversations

you could ever have in your life, is the first time you talk to God.
What would you say?
I remember you, In the pages of a book
A lady read me once, In Sunday school
I remember you, I studied every word
And I hid it in my heart, Just like you told me to
And a stone was rolled away, And everybody prayed,
The day the angels sang, I remember you
And while your standing there on those trembling knees,
what do you hope God says back to you
I remember you, I was there when you were born
I held your mamma's hand, And your daddy's too
I remember you, I recall the very day
You turned against the Devil, And you cried out my name
And a stone was rolled away, And everybody prayed,
The day the angels sang, I remember you

I am not one to get on here and talk religion, but it really is along with my family the biggest part of my life.  If you get a chance look this song up and take a listen.  Hopefully it will speak to you, like it has me.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego!!!!

Yesterday my sister and I decided to take a trip to Lagrange Kentucky to see our cousin who has been in jail for 10 years.  This is a trip her and I have made twice before to this same location, but for some reason this time was different.  The trip started out normal, you just head out as if you where driving to Louisville.  But something happened on the Shelbyville exit that I can not explain.  For the first time in my life I became confused as to where the exit was to head toward Lagrange.  Like I said I have been there twice before.  My sister, being the diligent person that she is printed off directions from the Internet. Me, being the Man that I am have no need for paper directions.  I will travel by sunlight, stars, or GPS.  That is a mans way to travel.  So driving down I 64 I proceed to take every exit between Shelbyville and Louisville trying to find the back roads to the prison, with zero success.  You see my sisters papers said to travel the interstate to the destination, but that was just not acceptable, because I preferred the other route.  So after I tried every exit possible, I decided to pull over and turn on the GPS.  This however would lead to more disaster because the GPS talks to you with a woman's voice.  Over the fine years of my marriage I have trained myself to tune out the rhythms of a woman's voice.  Yesterday this was a problem.  I proceed to miss an exit that I was told to take, and then when I did get turned around I proceeded the wrong way down the interstate and had to commit an illegal u-turn.  This however was not my last blunder of the trip.  Upon arriving at the prison,  I was admiring the fact that this building is the tallest building outside of Louisville.  I could completely see it nestled in the middle of a major city.  It does not look like a prison. Upon my admiration, I miss the entrance and drive on past only to have to find a place to turn around down the road a piece.  Just a horrible driving experiance.
The return trip however was all man.  No directions needed, back roads were used, and good travel time was made.
I do have one last note however.  GPS over your phone will shut down when you get a call or a text message.  I got one from my wife on the way to Lagrange and the GPS shut off..   Truly just like a woman,  you get ONE text message from another girl,  and the one you are with, then gives you the third degree....

Golfing The Frozen Tundra

Last Sunday I ventured out onto the golf course with friends and coworkers.  Apperantly this is an annual tradition for some of the people that I work with.  At the first day or so of the new year they play golf.  They call it getting all of the bad swings for the year out of the way,  I now call it crazy!  The day started with a trip to church and ended with two frozen butt cheeks.  I can not remember the last time I had to end the day by standing infront of the fireplace to warm my body..  I shivered all night until I fell asleep in the bed.  The next morning I woke up with a cold. 
So golfing on new years day is the first and last time I do that.

New Years Eve

Every New Years the wife and I make plans to have people over or too go out on the town and Party.  You know, like the kids party at the local hot spot.  For some reason though I haven't seen the ball drop for 5 years.  Partly due to the fact that I am already in the Bed when the ball drops.  Even when the wife and I have people over to watch the ball drop, they end up going home around 10 pm and going to sleep themselves.  What is happening to myself, the wife, and our friends.
WE ARE GETTING OLD!!!!!!  Every year is another reminder that I just can't hang like I used to.  There is no more staying up until 2am and playing video games, or driving around Lexington because that is what the cool kids do.  Nope,  It is bed time at 10pm.  All of this is becoming a sad reality, and a horrible reminder that I am getting old.  
To me, New Years has become more like a funeral then a celebration.  It is suppose to the ringing in of a new year but in fact it is just one year closer to death. Sorry folks but there is just nothing to celebrate about being closer to the grave.  I do thank God for allowing me to see another year, but that is about it.
I think New years should be celebrated like a New Orleans Funeral, because you just lost a year of your life.

Good luck with those resolution's this year guys.  Remember don't start the year with a lie.

The Art of Talking

Some people have the gift for gab.  I know two people in my life that could sell an Eskimo ice trays.  I also know a guy that can use the F word 50 different ways in one conversation.  Then there are the people who can take random references about movies, TV, music, and historical figures or events, combine them together and create one liners for comedic purposes.  It is also funny when you compare people to random famous people to get your point across (read my post about Eddie Murphy trying to run me over).  These last two are where I get my humour from.  Until yesterday I thought this was something I did on my own, and didn't really inherit it from anybody.  Then I got a text from my sister explain to me how my Dad was at the hospital fighting with the Nurses and Doctors.  His comments went like this.  I am in the middle of a Mexican stand off with the hospital.  They want a stool sample. but they wont feed me.  No food, no turd!!!  they want a turd but they are only giving me fluids.  I told them to talk to God because I am just not that good yet.  I can't pull a turd out of thin air.  This whole thing was setup with the use of a Mexican Stand off, which by itself sounds pretty funny.  This to me is comedy at it's best, and I now understand were I get some of my sense of humour.

Monday Morning Coming Down

Well, Christmas is over.  It was everything I thought it would be and a little bit more.  I got to see family and friends for three days straight.  Generally I would call that a bad weekend but it is Christmas and that is what it is all about. 
Now onto new years and a chance to lie to yourself on the first day of the year.  The lie usually sounds like this,  I am going to get in shape or lose 30 pounds.  Whatever!!!!  Daily dieting and exercise has to become a mind set for your day to day existence, before it will truly work.  If you are not 100% sold on the work part of losing weight, then you can forget shedding those pounds.
My New Years resolution is as follows, I Eric Rutledge, commit myself to eating at micasita at least one time a month.  If I for some reason miss a month, I will eat micastia 1 time a week for a month.  Now I believe with hard work and due diligence in scheduling, I stand a real chance of pulling this off. Who's with me?????
Seriously though,  make a commitment to something you can keep.  Like, I commit to taking a bath once a week.  I will stop picking my nose in public. That one may be hard to do.  I will not leave the toilet seat up. I will try eating sushi.  I will wash my pants after the third wear instead of the fifth wear (you know you do it).  I will not surf the Internet at work (yea, you can scratch that one off).  I will not take my trash out in my underwear.  I will not pee in my front yard.  Well, you get the point.
So do yourself a favor and don't lie to yourself on the first day of the year.

Christmas Eve

Let the festivities begin. Well today started out at my sister's house and will end at my in-laws house with a stop at my mother's house in between the two of them.

The first stop was a little different than normal. My Dad was not able to make the trip due to soreness in his knees, which only further proves the claim I made to him 2 weeks ago in which I told him he was a woman. Today, he proved me correct. So if you are reading this Dad. Let it be known, I'm once again calling you a woman. Your move.

Next stop on the Christmas train is the annual visit to my mother's house. This stop usually involves some food and a lot of nagging. If you are not careful she will explain to you how not going to the dentist will cause you a heart condition or the not brushing your hair on a daily basis will cause the second toe on your right foot to fall off. It's true, look it up she will say. You would think that with all of the information in my mother's head, that she would know that nagging causes the victim to become deaf, and could cause damage to her vocal chords. I mean seriously, if she damages her vocal chords, are we then to hear things like, putting your pants on one leg at a time, causes cancer. Facts like this are priceless.

Let the games begin.

CHRISTMAS

There is something about the holidays that provide me with alot of comedy.  Weather it be the accidental use of a dirty channel on your parents t.v. or the constant use of small jokes thrown at your short brother in law.  Regardless, this is my favorite time of year. This year is ecpecially exciting because of my kids.  Kai is 6, and Reed is 2.  They both are excited about getting presents this year, not that they weren't excited last year,  but Reed didn't completely understand the happenings of Christmas last year.  So this year should be epic. 
There are a few things I am really looking forward too.  First is my wife and kids opening their gifts, but second is the look on my nephews face when he opens his scooter tomorrow night.  This scooter originally cost 140.00 but hibbets had it on sale for 15.00.  Crazy deal!!! Originally I was only buying 1 for Kai, but when I was told that they had 2 left I couldn't pass up the opportunity to get my nephew the second one.
So here is to hoping that everybody gets to laugh this coming weekend, and that we all remember what Christmas is truly about.

Church

Have you ever noticed the name brand of the toilet seat you use everyday.  I haven't either, until today.  Apparently there is a company out there that has such confidence in there product that they decided to name a toilet seat Church.  That is a pretty brave thing to do in my opinion. 
Just imagine the possibilitys of being able to tell somebody you have to use the bathroom.  I need to go visit the church.  I have to make a donation to the church. I need to attend the church. I have to replenish the holy water at the church. You could go on and on. 
One thing is for certain though. Nobody will ever be able to accuse me of not attending church.  Infact I attend church daily and most days it is twice a day.

I'm Back

I have decided to write some more stories down.  I am sure that my 2 followers will be extra excited.  Although, instead of writing only stories, I have decide to write about daily events. Hopefully they are funny, most likely they will be me ranting on the days events.  Sorry, but not really.

Update:  In the future, I will have videos online of random things in my life.

Title Pick

Well, I have decided to let the two people who read this blog, choose the next story that I write.

The choices are:
Dad's Remote Control - My Dad going CRAZY
The Drive to School - Fat Lady going CRAZY
First Hunting Trip - Father in Law try's to Kill me
Hey Guys Watch This - Father in Law thinks he is evil Kanevil
Motorcycle Tree Stunt - I am Evil Kanevil
Mouse Hunt - Mono e mono
The Willoughby War - Forth of July explosion

So tell me what you want to hear.  Oh yea, Tessa, I already know which story that you want to hear, but if I tell it now you will stop reading this blog.  So with that said it might end up being the last one that I write.

World’s Greatest Golfer, for 35 Minutes

It was a glorious Saturday afternoon when my best friend, Robert Marcum said, ya know, we ought to go golfing today. Well, it really didn't take much convincing to get me to agree because I was basically choosing between that or watching T.V. all day and I probably needed the exercise. With that quick decision we were off to conquer the links. After going to every golf course in a 20 mile radius and discovering that you need a tee time on a Saturday to play golf, we decided on the only course that would except walk up business on a busy Saturday. Bogie Buster Golf Course was the destination of choice. If you have ever played bogies before then you are fully aware of their quality of golf. For those of you that are not aware of Bogies, than let me enlighten you on the subject. This place is basically a cow pasture with greens placed in random places around this farm. It is the only golf course that I have ever played on that you could lose a ball by hitting it straight down the middle of the fairway. It is caddy shack mixed with Little House on the Prairie, and that is not an exaggeration.

After paying for the round and settling into our carts, we headed to the first tee. Robert was the first to tee off, and then I followed. This was our normal arrangement at this time in our golf experience, we did this because at the time Robert was not the best at driving the ball off of the tee box and he would basically play my ball off of the tee box every time. This made for some pretty quick rounds of golf because we were always playing from the same spot on the course.

So Robert hit his ball and then I hit my ball, and we drove to play my next shot. Upon arriving at the ball we realized that we had actually hit into another guy playing the first hole. After apologizing, we waited for him to hit his next shot so he could finish the hole ahead of us. This guy hit his drive really far to the right on the first hole and could not find the ball, which is why we didn't see him at the tee box when we were teeing off. He was to the right trying to find his ball, and the hole looked empty to us. So like I said we are standing there waiting for him to hit his second shot. The guy swings the club,( which looks pretty good I might add)the ball flies through the air towards the green, hits the flag pole and drops into the hole. Robert and I look at each other and in unison say, holy cow what a shot, great shot man. This guy then proceeds to look at us and give us the, I have done that a thousand time before look. He walks to the green gets his ball and gets in his cart. He never once celebrated or acted as if he was enjoying this turn of events. Robert and I were stunned. Even Tiger Woods would have given it the old fist pump, but this guy had no emotion what so ever he just proceeded to the next hole.

Robert and I finish our first hole and then proceed to the tee of the second hole. Well, God's gift to golf was still on the second tee, so he offered for us to play the round with him, probably because he wanted to show us that he was the magic man on the golf course. And that is exactly what he did; it was a thing of beauty, straight up in the air and straight down in the middle of the green. That ball landed about 4 feet from the hole and the Magic Man putted it in on his next shot. Once again there is zero celebration from this guy. At this point he may be the smuggest person that I have ever been around. For the next two holes the Magic Man did his thing and was shooting 5 under par in 4 holes. It is to this day the most impressive four holes I have ever seen.

The Magic must have run out, because for the next four holes The Magic Man played the worst golf that I have ever seen. I would guess that he shot more than 8 strokes on each of the four holes. Guess what though, at hole eight, The Magic Man decided that he had somewhere to be and he quit the round and left the golf course. The Magic Man was never to be seen again. Robert and I still laugh about the day that we witnessed the world's greatest golfer for, for 35 minutes.

First Skiing Trip

The first time I went skiing became an adventure that I will never forget.

It all started over a game of pool, which ended in a dare, which was accepted while I was under the influence. I thought to myself, how hard can it be, I knew how to water ski. So the dare was accepted. So my friend at the time was a guy named Mason. He was the boy friend of my wife's first cousin. This guy Looks just like Captain Ron. You know the movie, the one where Kurt Russell leads Martin Shorts family across the Caribbean. Well, Mason was pretty much Captain Ron made over. However I am not sure what Mason's last name is, or that he even has one. That puts him in the same class as Madonna and Rihanna, I think. Anyway, the trip starts out in Georgetown on a Saturday morning after playing a church basketball game. We left for Prefect North Ski Resort at about 9:30 in the morning and got there at about 10:45 am. While driving up, Mason was trying to explain the intricacies of skiing to me, because like I said, I had never been skiing before. Well let's just say that the Captain is full of advice, but it is not always good advice.

When we arrive at the Mecca of fake snow you quickly realize that this is a big deal to a lot of people. There are people everywhere, from the age of 2 to 75. Most people are cordial, but there are the select few that completely look the part of a snow bunny or whatever you would call a guy that ski's, that seem to have an attitude towards the Captain and I. They kind of give you that look, like what backwoods place are you from. Well the answer is Georgetown, but you can lose the attitude buddy. I didn't really say that, but that is what I was thinking. Looking back I can kind of see what would make them think that I didn't belong on their slope. The Captain and I had decided it would be best to wear black waterproof bib overalls and a normal winter jacket. The Problem came when the overalls that I borrowed were a tad small and the Gray sweatpants that I was wearing underneath for warmth were hanging out of the bottom of my pants legs. So the outfit looked something like black bib overalls, a hunter green winter jacket and a blue UK sock hat, with gray sweatpants coming out the bottom of the pants. Not the best fashion day of my life. One thing is for sure though, I was warm.

So the Captain and I walk into the lodge and search for the place to rent a set of ski's and pay for a day lift ticket. After doing this we descended to the basement of the lodge to collect our boots and ski's. When you get to the basement they have you fill out a form that essentially determines your skill level, which intern determines how your ski's set up so that they fall off when you fall down or they stay on your foot when you fall down. The better skier that you are, the longer the ski will stay on your foot. The Captain and I had our ski's set to fall off at the shear thought of falling down. This was kind of a surprise from the captain, given the fact that he had made me fully aware of how good a skier that he was on the ride up. Now to the slopes.

The first place we went was the bunny slope. The bunny slope is about as steep as an unlevel floor in the average house. So really it is quite level with a slight grade. There is absolutely no chance of picking up any kind of speed or getting out of control on this slope. It is for getting comfortable on your skis. While going down the bunny slope, I ask Captain Ron, so how do you stop on the skis? He responds by telling me that all you have to do is point your skis in a V. So heeding the advice of the captain, I used the V technique with outstanding results. I could stop whenever I wanted, with zero struggles. When the Captain saw this he said, it is time, time for what I said. It is time to go up the ski lift and start skiing for real. It did not matter how much I protested, the captain was determined to get me on top of the Mountain, and apparently all it takes is one trip down the bunny slope and you are ready to ski in the Olympics. Ok so there aren't really any mountains in Indiana, but bear with me here, because this is a really tall hill I am about to ascend. So being the 22 year old that I was and having the confidence of a Greek god, I accept the challenge of the Mountain. Kind of like Joe versus the volcano, with a little less lava and a lot more snow.

There I was, waiting in line to get on a ski lift that would take me to the top of this mountain. What was I thinking, had I gone completely mad or was I really a natural like the Captain told me that I was. We were all about to find out. Getting on the ski lift is the easy part. It is the getting off the ski lift that is the hard part. They actually expect you to hop off the lift and ski away before the lift rolls around and smacks you in the butt. It is a timing nightmare. One tip if you ever find yourself in this situation, always coordinate the hop with a countdown for everybody that is on the lift. Otherwise it will end in a pile of limbs and skis and the worst part is when they shut down the lift so that you can get your non skiing butt out of the way. It is a really embarrassing situation when it happens, so the tip is to always use a countdown when hopping off a ski lift. This fortunately did not happen to me on my first skiing trip, but I have seen the carnage. My first experience was that when I hopped off the lift that I just rode the momentum out until I could come to a stop. When I finally did stop the captain was right beside me and said we are going to go down the one to the right because it is for beginners and should be a pretty slow ski to get started with. I said, that sounds like my kind of skiing. Well there I was peering over the edge of this hill that seemed to go pretty straight down for the first 20 feet or so, and just when I was about to ask the Captain how I should approach such a step grade, I feel a nice hard pat on my back that causes my skis to point down the hill, and off I go.

When things like this happen to me, time seems to slow down and many thoughts cross your mind that normally would not cross your mind. At this moment all I can see are the trees that line both sides of the trail and the people that are trying to enjoy their skiing. The trail appears to be about 80 feet wide or so, which I can tell you is not nearly wide enough for a beginner skier. I was correct about one thing before I decided to ski. Having already water skied defiantly helped when it came to snow skiing. Every motion that you use in snow skiing is the same as in water skiing, so that was very beneficial on learning to ski. But in my case, on this day it came in handy while trying to dodge people and trees. Everywhere I turned there was either a person or a tree that was waiting for me to run over like an out of control car. Luckily I didn't hit anything or fall down for that matter. Most of the other Skiers were able to get out of the way while I continuously yelled at the top of my lungs, (EXCUSE ME, COMING THROUGH, GET OUT OF THE WAY, SORRRRRRRY). After the first 300 to 400 feet of the trail, things kind of flattened out and I was able to use the V to slow down enough to not kill anybody. On this first journey down the mountain the Captain is constantly yelling at me to V and to try to stop, well there was a problem with that. The V was not stopping me; it was only slowing me down enough that I wasn't a danger to anybody, because I could control where I was going. While yelling these commands to me the great Captain is traveling back and forth down the slope, looking like a pro I might add. The Captain was talking about a slide stop like the hockey players do all the time or like the stops you see on TV during the Olympics. So the Captain decided to give me an example of what he was talking about and when he did his skis got caught on a frozen icy area of the snow and the Captain was immediately airborne with skis and poles going in all directions. I have never seen such a graceful, unintentional back flip in all of my days. If you could imagine someone doing this feat on purpose, I promise it would not look as good as the Captains did. The only thing I could do was to watch in amazement and wave as I went by, because at this point during the day I still don't know how to come to a complete stop on the skis.

Upon arriving at the ski lift I inform the captain that if that is the easiest trail that you can go down, then maybe we should spend more time on that trail so I can get a little extra practice in before we tackle anything that would require more skill. The Captain agreed, so we spent the next 4 or 5 trips going down the same slope. Well everything was just peaches until the captain got bored and decided that he would tell me that, you are ready, I think you have a good hang of it. To which I respond by saying, I think your right man. I was getting pretty good at the whole control thing and hadn't had to yell at any of the other skiers for at least 2 trips down the slopes. So off we go up the lift and this time instead of going to the right when you get off the lift, we went to the left. Now, the next bit of this story maybe the scariest moment of my life. This new slope was literally straight down, in fact it is the steepest hill at perfect north. It is only this steep for 50 yards or so, but it is the steepest. While standing at the top of this death trap the captain tells me, you know, all ya have to do is make a V and you can stop whenever you want. I said, Captain I have been Ving all day long and I haven't been able to stop yet. Captain says, you're not pointing your skies in far enough, just put them a little closer together and you can stop. With this bit of advice the captain says, let's go and he skis away. So after five seconds of thinking I decide there is no time like the present and down the hill I went.

I immediately decided that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life. I was not aware that 60 mph was attainable at a small ski slope in Indiana. But contrary to popular belief, It can happen. Fear and tips from the Captain are all that is running through my mind. I can hear the Captain saying, just V, you have to make a closer V. All of these tactics were employed, but nothing was slowing this big boy from plummeting to certain death. This trail that I am on is a dogleg to the left after you get to the bottom of the steep slope. Once you make this left turn there is another slope that ties into this, kind of like merging lanes on a highway. This is not good for me. Even on the highway there are signs telling you to slow down to 25 mph when you merge off an exit ramp, but not on this slope. Luckily I got the practice on the easy slope and learned how to control the skies really good because when you take a 90 degree turn at 60mph, you need to be able to stay in control. While taking this turn I have to weave in and out of people coming from the slope I am on and the slope that is merging with his slope. Needless to say, the yelling has begun again. WATCHOUT, COMINGTHROUGH, EXCUSE ME, LOOKOUT. None of this seemed to make anybody move out of the way, but it did get some really scared looks out of people. I think that I was going so fast that they didn't really have time to react to my speed. At the end of the curve of death, there is a row of trees. Really it is more like a forest, but when it is coming at you at 60mph, your only focus is that first roll of trees. Well I never hit the trees but I did come close enough for a thin limb to smack me across the arm as I was leaning for all I had, to stay away from that last moment in my life. Heading down the rest of the slope there're is a woman and man going back and forth down the trail. I know that they must be a couple; because they are going down the hill in a fashion that you would think they are Olympic synchronized skiers. They are so good that they are carrying on a conversation every time that they cross each other's path. From a distance I am watching this unfold and trying to decide the best way to avoid an unavoidable collision. When I finally did catch up with these two love birds, they decide to slide stop right in the middle of the trail, and I have no option but to keep a straight line down the hill. The lady was faced left and the man was faced right. At the exact time they came to a stop, I ran over the front of both of their skis. This knocked them both down, although I don't believe that I touched either of them. When I finally came to a stop at the bottom of the trail, I turned to look back at the couple I had just passed and low and behold she was already in my face and telling me that I was going to kill somebody skiing like that. I then responded by saying, if you are such a good skier that you can fall down and catch up with me before I come to a complete stop, then maybe you should be the one watching out for people like me.

The next stop was another trip up the ski lift, but this time the Captain and I rode the ski lift with a ski patrolman. Upon riding the lift it came to a sudden stop, probably because somebody fell down trying to get off of the lift at the top of the slope. With this delay in time the Captain and I had a chance to talk with the patrolman, many questions were asked, and answered. The main question asked was, how do you stop using the elusive V? After explaining my situation and recent experience the patrolman taught me how to stop using the V method, I Think he did this out of fear I was going to hurt somebody other than myself. So the rest of the day stared going pretty good. It didn't matter what slope I went down the rest of the day, the V worked and made skiing very enjoyable. As the day progressed, the more comfortable I got on the skies. I started doing things that I would not think possible the first time you go skiing, I even learned how to slid stop. The Captain was so proud of me that he bought me a coke back at the lodge.

The day was not over yet however. With confidence comes cockiness. I hate to say it, but I did start getting a little cocky on the skis. So cocky in fact, that towards the end of the day, I was skiing down to the ski lift to make another journey to the top, when I put the fear of God, in four kids that look like they belong in the superbad movie. I swear one looked like McLovin. When approaching the ski lift you see four different lanes that then funnel into one line that is formed to get on the lift. The first line is a single person line, the second is for two, the third is for groups of three, and the forth obviously is for four people groups. Each Line is divided by orange safety posts that are tied together by caution tape. Well the Captain and I discovered early on that it is much faster to go down the single person line to get on the lift, because there are not too many solo skiers. While approaching the single skier line I started to realize that I might be traveling just a little too fast, but without thinking I turned into the single person line. Remember those cones I was telling you about, well they get in the way of the V that I use to stop. Every time I tried to V the cones would smack my skies back into a straight line. At this point I start to realize that this could end pretty badly. Once again time comes to almost a complete stand still. In the back of the line that gets on the lift I see a woman with the look of death on her face that starts screaming a little louder every foot closer I get to the four kids that are trying to get on the lift. Men and Women behind the four kids are all starting to brace for the collision that is about to happen. The four kids all have the look of somebody that has just seen their life pass before their eyes and I have only made it half way there. Every time I tried to stop though, I just kept hitting those dang cones. I think that I may have actually picked up speed with every cone that my skies hit. Finally I was upon these Kids, and thank the lord that I went straight over the front of their skies; I never hit them or anybody else in the process. What I did end up hitting was a wooden fence post that was randomly placed right beside the ski lift. After hitting the post, I turned around and got in the front of the line and the Captain followed suit as if I had planned the whole thing. I then turned to the four kids behind me and told them, that, fella's, is how you cut line. The young high school kid running the lift never missed a beat when he looked at the Captain and me and said, NEXT.

The rest of my first skiing trip went off without a hitch. The Captain and I skied until about 10 o'clock that night, and I woke up the next morning sorer then I have ever been in my entire life. I was not aware I had so many muscles that are not used on a daily basis. So, the moral of this story is that you should never take advice from a guy that looks like Captain Ron and never accept a dare while under the influence.

Eddie Murphy

This is the story of the day that Eddie Murphy tried to run me over with a cheviot. 

So I set out on the journey that would eventually lead to some pretty crazy things happening on Versailles Road.  If you have never had the opportunity to take a ride down Versailles road during a regular work week, you are missing out.  Well, here ya go.
It was late in the day and I hadn't had a chance to get my lunch yet.  So the thought of McDonald's was really pulling at the old tummy. I wasn't sure whether or not to go because it was already 3pm. and my day ends at 5pm so it really was more like an early supper then eating lunch. But I decided to hop into the Danger Ranger to head on out and get some food anyway.

So there I am driving the Danger Ranger outbound on Versailles road, headed up Cardinal Hill hill. I am just kind of in lala land when all of a sudden there is a gray Chevy car that looks like somebody just jump started it out of a junk yard, trying to figure out how he can make me join the other people laying in the grave yard to the right.  That's about the time I proceed to drive the Danger Ranger into the curb of the road trying to foil this cars plan of putting me six feet under on that beautiful afternoon.  Well, needless to say I am no longer in Lala land at this point.  I was in about to be dead, angrier then hell land. So this gray Chevy finally figured out that he was about to taste blue metal and decided to get back into its lane of traffic. So the Danger Ranger and I got off the curb and got back into normal driving mode. This is when I decided that I needed to let the driver of this car know that he had made a mistake and needed to watch what he was doing. So I proceeded to turn my head and say (if there are children you are reading this to, this is when you need to place your own words in the dialog) You Mother #$&%**%, When I noticed that this guy looked like he just stepped off the set of Coming to America with Eddie Murphy.

 He had the biggest white teeth I had ever seen. I know this because he was smiling at me!  He wore a black suit with a white shirt and a red bow tie.  The only thing he was missing was a little round hat with the African print all over it.  The first thing that crossed my mind was, is that Eddie Murphy. Well, it wasn't Eddie Murphy, but I will say that he had to be a fan of Mr. Murphy to dress like that. So at this point the anger I was experiencing was gone. All I could do is laugh and wave at him, while wishing him luck in his future movie career.
The journey isn't over yet.  I still hadn't made it to McDonald's.  While driving away I really could not believe what I had just witnessed. So obviously I am kind of laughing to myself about what just happened as I pull into McDonald's Parking lot.  So the Danger Ranger and I pull up to the intercom to order lunch when a person with a British accent said, would you like a frappe latte? This completely through me for a loop, because this part of Lexington,  is considered little Mexico.  It is not every day that you hear a British accent, then on top of that you hear this accent at a McDonald's in little Mexico. Laughter instantly ensues and an immediate look over my shoulder for the candid camera occurs. To much laughter to talk, so I don't say a word and just drive straight to the window to place my order with this mystical creature that works at McDonald's. To my surprise, there does not seem to be any sign of this Great white buffalo anywhere.  Neither window had anybody that spoke with this accent. So I grab my bag of food and continue on with my journey.

While driving back to work I encounter a bicyclist that looks like Adonis.  The man is cut from a stone. He is wearing a backwards hat, a white tank top, and an ipod on his arm.  My guess is that he stands about six feet four inches or so.  He is ready for anything, if an action flick broke out or a WWE event occurred in the next few seconds I would not be surprised.  But that is not even close to what happened.

While staring at Adonis, something to my right caught my eye.  It is a, no it can’t be, it is, it is a black midget that looks like she just stepped out of Jane Fonda’s video, Let’s Get Physical.  To say the least, it was impressive.  I was not aware that they made spandex in such small sizes.  This lady had everything going for her that Adonis had going for him.  They matched all the way down to the ipod on their arms.  Of course Adonis was not wearing spandex, but he was definitely in workout attire.  It is a crazy world when in a matter of 100 square feet you can see Adonis and Gary Coleman working out at the same time.  I am not going to lie, I almost had a wreak in the Danger Ranger while choking on my Coke from McDonald’s. As I pulled into my parking spot at work I realized that I just wasn’t prepared for all of the festivities that the day had in store for me.  So let that be a lesson to you boys and girls, never underestimate the oddity that is Versailles Road.